A Penny for my thoughts

all the things I think about and don't know how to share. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Beautiful sunsets and heartbreaking mornings. Hopes and dreams. Fears and frustrations. Holding on, letting go, and changing my mind 47 times along the way. New adventures and old memories. me.

A month ago the thought of leaving home terrified me.

As of right now, if we can get through wedding details without killing each other over our families, the idea of picking up and dropping into our own little middle-of-nowhere (equidistant from both locations of origin, naturally) for a couple of years sounds quite alluring.

As long as no one invites mom.

either mom.

no cousins.

I’ll do anything, please.

We are getting a mailing address the next town over hahaha.

Wedding Planning Blues

Spend all day- on my last day off for like EVER- making handcrafted cards for fiancés parents (who aren’t particularly fond of me…YET).  Said fiancé comes home, watches tv, drinks a few beers, bitches about my family for an hour, and passes out. 

How.  Romantic. 

Today I googled ‘what to do if my fiancé’s family hates me’
I am not alone.

What’s with all these women posting photos of their naked carcasses all over the Internet? It’s not necessarily that I don’t wanna see you naked, it’s more that your protruding hipbones are giving me nightmares. Eat a goddamn sandwhich already.

Coming out of what?

I do not feel the need to ‘come out’
I do not feel the to explain myself
It’s not about me being a lesbian
Nor is it about me not being a lesbian
It isn’t about how I feel about other people
Or how I’ve felt about others in the past
It’s because when I am with her I feel like we could be the only people left on earth
It’s all about her
It’s always been all about her.
I don’t need to celebrate being anything.
Other than being in love.

I actually get to spend the rest of my life with my favorite person on this planet. Here’s to more road trips. More dramatic blowouts followed by mind blowing make ups. More laughing. More staying up all night because I miss you when I’m sleeping. More pausing movies to talk. More planning. More doing. More living and endless loving.

I’m still really sad. I still can’t piece together this last week. I still can’t believe he’s gone.
But something happened. Reality slapped me in the face. I realized what an idiot I am and a level of understanding I’ve never experienced before flooded over me. Like he shared all the secrets to the universe with me for just a moment and then it was gone.
I feel like we’re really getting that second chance. In the worst of possible circumstances last week we were a team again. We took care of each other. We were patient. We were us. I’m on my way to pick you up from the airport. I’m nervous. I can’t wait to see you. I can’t wait to add happy memories and good times to this new chapter.
And for the love of god I cannot wait to see that hair.

Trying to find a hallmark auto-reply message that says ‘thanks for all the birthday wishes, unfortunately not all of my friends are so considerate and one of them has overdosed in heroine so I will be unavailable to celebrate at this time as I am traveling halfway around the world in jeans and slippers to attend a memorial service for one of my favorite human beings in gods great earth- the only person I’d ever return to Utah in February for who, BONUS, can’t even pick me up from the airport’